This Life Is the Test

I started thinking today during church... Why is this happening to me? What am I supposed to learn from it?

I have this hope that when I learn whatever it is that I'm supposed to learn, this trial will be over. So far, I am learning that I need to take things slower. I need to have faith that I'll be able to earn enough money to support myself even if I don't put in crazy hours. That's hard! I don't have anyone to fall back on if I can't support myself.

Maybe I need to learn what it feels like to have a disability, since I work with people who have disabilities.

Maybe I need to learn that slow doesn't mean lazy or stupid.

I need to think about this more.

Maybe the learning will come after the trial is over. I remember when I moved into an apartment with bed bugs, that it was such a nightmare. Months of the nightmare, and then months of healing from the psychological damage. Seriously, psychological damage! Well, after the bed bugs were gone, really gone, the feeling of relief was indescribably delicious. My home felt clean, and I appreciated that feeling. That was two years ago, and I still stop sometimes and realize how lovely it is to live unterrorized by those horrible creatures.

Maybe after I'm well, I will appreciate the strength I have. It's been long enough now since I was strong, that I miss it. I remember being able to run and lift things and go go go all day. When I stop and think about it, I realize how much I've lost. Hopefully not forever.

The funny thing about trials, and about earth life in general, is that you don't know how long things will last. If I knew that I would have another month of this or another year, I would say that I can do it. I would be able to plan. Just knowing that a trial will end is somehow heartening. But of course we don't know when our trials will end, and we don't know how bad they will get.

Normally I'm a bit of a planner, but I can't do that now. I just don't know what the next day or week or month will bring. I'm taking it hour by hour. If I have energy for a morning, I'm happy. If I have energy for a full day... well, that doesn't happen. But I think I would appreciate it. Maybe that's what I am learning.

I joked to a friend a few weeks ago that I hoped to get A's on my [medical] tests. But there's a bigger test, isn't there? I wonder how this problem will help me gain the knowledge and skills I need to pass that test.