My Girl

I went to visit Morgan Thanksgiving weekend. A few days after I returned home, I opened my camera app to find about two dozen pictures of Morgie! I am attaching a few of her stunning self portraits.

Being Happy Now

Today's Relief Society lesson was on President Uchtdorf's forget-me-not talk. One of the things that was discussed was the importance of being happy now. I thought back about seven years, when I learned that lesson. I cried as I shared what I learned with Laynie--one of those interpreter sidebars. ;)

For four years, I was a nanny for the best child on earth: Morgan. For the last year, I also took care of the sweetest, easiest baby: Carson. I loved them dearly. (Still do.) However, I was getting rather burned out. Young mothers know this feeling. Breaking up fights, teaching kindness, settings limits--raising kids really takes it out of you. The days seem to drag, one turning into the next in a blur of hungry tummies and poopy bottoms.

I worked all day, and I hid down in my little apartment in the evenings. Spending your days with a four-year-old and a one-year-old can be exhausting.

And then I went back to school to finish my education.

Going back to school was the right decision, but it turned out to be more difficult than I expected. That first semester, I cried so often for the children I had left behind. Two thousand miles away! I remember sitting in the temple one time, just sobbing. I was really missing "my" children that day. Sometimes it seemed physically painful to be apart from them. I realized that I had made a huge mistake.

When Morgan would want to be with me in the evening, her parents would tell her, no, Annie needs to rest. When Carson would try to get through the gate to come downstairs, his parents would stop him. I appreciated their thoughtfulness.

I realized that I had not made the most of my time with the children. Walking around the BYU campus, sitting in class, or in my room at my mother's house, Morgan was often on my mind. I would have given anything to have an hour with her.

I had gone back to school in January, and I went back in April to take care of Morgan and Carson again. I stayed for the summer and enjoyed my time there so much. And me tell you, I made the most of the time with them. When Morgan's parents began to tell her no, it is Annie's rest time, I would tell them to let her come to me. I allowed the kids unrestricted access to me.

That summer was one of the best times in my life. I had learned the secret of happiness: enjoy was you have. Enjoy the people and places for what they are. Do not spend your time thinking about tomorrow or wishing things were different.

Nothing had changed about the children. The tummies were just as hungry, the bottoms were just as poopy, and the fights were just as frequent. But somehow the days did not seem so long. Or I enjoyed their length. Despite the challenges, I enjoyed every day.

And that is how I learned to be happy now.

Slow But Steady

I hope she'll win the race!

Laynie continues to make very slow but steady progress with her listening skills. Apparently she rocked the difficult word list she has been working on for the last 4-5 weeks in therapy; she got every word correctly on the first try. Wow!

Even bigger wow, upon arriving on the first floor of the tower building and leaving the elevator, she wondered, "Was the last word that elevator said 'lobby'?" That elevator says which floor you are on, and on the first floor, it says, "This is the first floor and main lobby."

Great Sabbath Morning!

I had a fantastic time at church today. My dear friend, Cindy, came to see Laynie speak and me sing (as part of an octet... not a solo), and it was so fun having her there.

And Laynie did an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G job with her talk. Her topic was faith, hope, and charity; she ended up focusing mostly on hope. Truly wonderful.

She Understood!

On Sunday, my home teacher was here. We talked for a long time, and then he was ready to share the message. He asked if Laynie would like to come downstairs and hear it. She was upstairs working on her talk, which she will give the week after General Conference. I said that I thought Laynie would love that.

I yelled, "Laynie!"

Nothing. But I knew that she was still, listening.

I yelled again, "Laynie!"

She called back, "What?"

I said, "Come down!"

She came downstairs.

I figured that she had just understood from context that I must want to see her, so she should come downstairs. But I was wrong! After the bishop left, I told Laynie I was impressed that she had heard her name, that she knew I wasn't just talking to the bishop. She said, "Yeah, I heard you say, 'Laynie, come down.'"

I said yes, but you could have gotten that from context. She replied that I could have said, "I'm finished," or "He's gone." Good point. But she knew the exact words that I had said. She said she just heard it. What a good listener.

They're Worth It

Sometimes the days feel so long. Kids to see, notes to write, meetings to attend, emails to read, parents to pacify... It's impossible to get it all done. Today I had a meeting and was late seeing all my Head Start students. I went to the first center and found that my kids were doing fine. Except for one--the teacher wanted to tell me her concerns about him. Darn, I thought he was going to be an easy one. 

I ran home to grab a quick lunch (nice that both Head Start centers are about 5 minutes from my home) and did not want to go back out. Of course, I had to. I went to the other Head Start center.

Went to the first class. My boy was doing great! Needed some help to use words not his hands to solve problems.. but he's three. And learning English: he speaks another language at home. I went to the other classroom to see my twins. 

I had worked with them last year, when they weren't really talking or forming relationships with people. They used to sit together, stoney expressions on their little faces. It was like pulling teeth to get them to play with other kids, and they used to torture the special educator by refusing to look at her or talk to her.

Today they jumped up, waving and begging me to sit with them. One of them ran over to hug me. She was stuck to me like glue the whole time I was there--holding my hand, wanting to hold both of my hands. When we sat down to pop bubble wrap (preschool rocks), she leaned in, trying to get my to put my arm around her.

The twins and I chatted together while we popped our bubbles. They were using complete sentences, asking questions, making comments, and generally behaving like typical four-year-olds. We danced together during music time, making a big circle with the other girls who wanted to partake of our awesomeness.

The class went outside to play. I wrote my notes to the twins' mom, letting her know how they did today. I walked by the playground to leave, yelling goodbye to the twins. The one ran to me full barrel and hugged my legs so that I couldn't walk. She looked at me and pleaded, "Don't go! Don't go!"

We all know the pay is crappy; I'm on a teacher's salary. But the real pay is in love. Awww....

Bad Blogger

Yes, yes, I'm a very bad blogger. Well, I've been busy.

I'm looking forward to General Conference. So, so much. Which reminds me, I need to upgrade my Fios package to include BYU TV...

Ugh, it's going to cost $10/mo for a while, then $20/mo. I already pay so much for Verizon. I'll have to think about it. Conference is online with ASL interpretation or in the stake center with closed captions. Laynie likes closed captions better... would be nice to have it at home. I'm sure we could go to someone's house, but ours is best. Besides, I'm not sure everyone likes to watch all the sessions, like I do. Saturday Conference is the best!

Work is good. I feel like I'm always catching up, but I love all my kids.

Church is GREAT. Have I said that I love my ward?

I guess I don't have much to say. That's probably why I haven't blogged.

Did I Mention That I Love My Ward?

I love my ward! Tonight was ward temple night, and I really enjoyed seeing people that I know. Laynie and I sat with our cute little RS Pres (Hi Cari!), and she signed with Laynie. Yes, the ward is learning to sign. It's so neat when several people say hi to Laynie and sign some basics with her.

One sister came up to Laynie after the session and started signing.... and she hasn't even gone to the class Laynie began two weeks ago! I wonder how she learned. How brave of her to come up and start signing when she doesn't know very much.

Now I look forward to going to church instead of [I hate to admit] kind of dreading it.

Obligatory 9/11 Post

Everyone asks, "Where were you?" So I'll tell mine.

I was in bed, asleep. I was living in New York, working two jobs, as a retail junior manager and a nanny. On September 11, 2001, I had the day off from both jobs.

I was planning to head in to Manhattan that day, but I ended up sleeping in. I'm glad I didn't go there! I wouldn't have been hurt, because I would have been in midtown.. But I would have been stuck on the island. They closed the bridges and tunnels, I think for a few days.

So I was peacefully sleeping when my cell phone rang. It was my mom, panicking a little and relieved to have reached me. Apparently phone circuits were full; cellular networks were overloaded. Mom told me to turn on the TV. So I watched it all unfold on TV, just like everyone else did.

By the time my mom called me, both towers had already been struck. Of course, the news replayed the impact on the second tower repeatedly. Then the towers fell, one after the other. What was happening in DC seemed minor compared with that. It was freaky that things were happening in more than one place, and I wondered, along with everyone else, where would be next.

People in New York were concerned about other parts of the state. Large malls. Tourist spots.

There were several planes unaccounted for or not responding to the tower. That made everyone nervous for a while.

So that's it. My "where were you?" memory.

Great Friends Are Great

Cindy and Cari, I love you girls!

And of course Laynie and Kate. :)

Earthquake, Curriculum, and Chinese, Oh My!

We had an earthquake in Maryland! The epicenter was in Virginia, but we certainly felt it up here. I was in a large meeting room, and it felt like I had vertigo... just swaying and moving around. It was a trippy feeling, made me wonder if something was wrong with me. But everyone else was feeling it!

The teachers in my county (probably whole state) are FREAKING OUT. New curriculum! Aaaagh! I am loving it, because the new curriculum is much better than the current one--it's language based. All about thinking and reasoning.

And I might be learning Chinese this fall! My elementary school is participating in a pilot program with immersion world languages instruction. All of the students (yes, even my deaf darlings) will have an hour each week of Chinese in the fall and Spanish in the spring. I may decide to go in with them. Certainly at the beginning of the school year I will, to help them understand the concept of language. I'm afraid they'll think it's just more speaking that they don't understand. Chinese, English, it's all Greek to them.

Three Musketeers

We are planning to hang pictures in a variety of black and gold frames to adorn the very large wall above the fireplace, so we have been choosing pictures. This is one that we're going to use, which I think Bryndi took. (Hi Bryndi!)

It is so us.

We haven't played Guitar Hero together is sooo long, but we still do nerdy things together. For example, today we played Rummikub while watching Kung Fu Panda. We're very homey and familyish.

Katie is funny, because she generally refers to Laynie as her sister. She'll say to her friend, "I went there with my sisters," or "My sisters would love that," meaning Laynie and me. It's very sweet. I'm glad we all get along.

Good Listener!

Laynie has been spending a lot of time upstairs at the desktop computer, working on a project. We email each other if we need to say something, so that we don't have to run up and down the stairs all the time (I hang out downstairs).

The visual email notification isn't working right now (dumb OSX Lion), but it still pings when a message is received. I can't believe that Laynie hears that ping every time! I asked her whether she was keeping the mail program on top of everything else, and she said no, she just listens for the ping.

Even if I'm watching TV downstairs, which is very audible upstairs since Laynie's in a loft room that is open to the living room, she hears that ping!

Just now I turned down the volume on the TV a little to hear a video on the internet, and I got a message from Laynie right away. She was asking what that noise was, whether someone was yelling or if I was on the phone. She's such a good listener!

Last Quiet Week

I can't believe I'll be back to work full time again next week! Next week will be a blur of meetings, trainings, and set up; the kids start back the week after. I am looking forward to seeing my kids again and meeting some new ones.

Wicked Awesome Pictures!

Laynie, Katie, and I went to a sign interpreted performance of Wicked a few week ago at the Kennedy Center. It was such a fun night. We got there early, so we went up to the terrace for pictures!

Me and Kate

Laynie!

No, those are not long earrings... They're Laynie's 'plants! She changed her cochlear implant processor batteries before the show.

Look, she's so happy to hear! (Or she nearly dropped her left 'plant and barely caught it.)

You can see the Lincoln Memorial on the right and the Jefferson with the dome.

Yay! Almost time! Check out the interpreter--on the left. She was a fantastic actress!

The Wasps

I'm finally getting around the posting pictures of the unwelcome guests on my old balcony.

Big nest!

My poor finger was swelling up. I tried a baking soda paste, which helped. That was after the initial half hour of stabbing pain. Wasps mean business!

New Friend and Family History

After a Relief Society activity focusing on family history, I spoke with the woman teaching the class, Mary. She offered to work with me one on one to help me find my ancestors--who seem like they don't want to be found. Challenging. Well, I went to her house yesterday at noon... and didn't leave until 5:30! We chatted, worked on genealogy, and then chatted some more.

And I have already made some progress with my family history and am so excited to get more done.

Benefit? YES!

On Friday I went with Laynie to interpret for her rehab appointment, where a rep from Laynie cochlear implant company, Med-El, would be present. The woman showed up early, and they were chatting in the waiting room. One thing she asked Laynie was, "Do you think you benefit from having cochlear implants?"

Benefit? How do you quantify that. Laynie was surprised by the question and not able to answer it fully. The simple answer is YES. But how to explain why? It's especially tough when she's really not understanding much spoken language yet. (yet)

For someone who is hearing and becomes deaf, gets an implant, and understands when people talk, I think a CI would be such a relief. The benefit would be clear. Similarly, a young child implanted and learning to hear and speak, as many implanted kids do, would clearly benefit. But for someone in Laynie's situation, the benefit is less externally apparent. She shared an anecdote about understanding her mother say, "I love you," which made an impact, as well as a few small examples of ways that hearing aids and cochlear implants have been different for her.

At dinner later, we were talking about it, trying to think back on life before implants. After two years with them, it sort of feels like she's always been this way.

I was telling Laynie that I have a very clear memory of an instance when we were standing in a busy area on the BYU campus between classes. I had asked Laynie what she heard, as she happened to be wearing her hearing aid that that day. She said that she heard noise. I asked her to describe it. All she could say was that it was noise, that it was all one sound blended together, at a constant volume. People talking, construction nearby, cars passing... all one sound.

The other day we were in a restaurant, and she asked if there were kids around. I told her which direction, and she nodded knowingly. Later she asked if a table was being cleared nearby. She had heard the clatter of dishes. Not only is she distinguishing the sounds, she's identifying what they are. She can identify laughter in another room. Jazz music, which she hates. A piano amidst the din of a department store. A car vs. jetliner vs. prop plane vs. truck vs. motorcycle going by. Thunder. A baby vs. a toddler screaming during sacrament meeting.

In the kitchen today, Laynie's back was toward me. The microwave was in use, the fan over the stove was on, and food was sizzling in a pan. I don't remember what her attention was on... throwing away trash or something. I said her name at a conversational level and she turned to me.

With hearing aids, Laynie could hear some things, but she could only identify a few. Whistling. A drum. A piano, if she knew it was music and focused on it. But she couldn't tell a voice from a car going by. Not that she couldn't hear the voice. Everything just sounded pretty much the same.

Laynie is hearing quieter things. Today she heard distant thunder from inside the house. She hears all the speech sounds, including very quiet ones like H and TH. Today I whispered quietly from three or four feet away, just to see if she heard me... she did. With her hearing aids there was a whole slew of sounds she didn't hear at all.

Obviously hearing and understanding are two different things. Two different levels of the same thing. Hearing is the bottom rung of the ladder, and understanding is the top. Laynie understands some things when listening purposefully in therapy. But she also understands things occasionally outside of therapy. Just simple things like asking a question and not looking as the answer is given, listening for the yes or no.

Yesterday she was sitting next to me on the couch, telling me something--showing me something on the computer. I don't remember exactly. But I remember that I asked, "Where?" She told me what it was again. I said, "I know, but where?" She said, "Right here," and showed me. I didn't sign it, and she wasn't looking at me. She heard and understood. I asked her if she knew what I said, and she answered, "Where." She didn't realize that I didn't sign it until I told her.

Things like that happen every day. Just the fact that she uses her CIs every day, all day long, is testament to the benefit she receives. She likes them. They help her feel connected to the world around her.

Like many children with CIs, she's beginning to prefer sound over sight for some things. Sometimes sound is easier.

She was saying that she wanted to get a doorbell, because some people knock quietly, which is hard to hear (even for me, and I'm "very hearing" as she says) from the kitchen. We discussed getting a flashing light doorbell, which she's had before. We realized that she hasn't used one in two years! With her CIs, she doesn't need one. She hears a knock just like everybody else. She thought that she would prefer a doorbell that chimes rather than flashes. A flashing light can be easy to miss in the daytime, if you're not looking in that direction. But she could hear a chime from wherever she is, whatever she's doing. So she'll be getting a doorbell that chimes... and she found one that has a portable receiver with a blinking light.

That doorbell will be a perfect fit for a girl who's straddling two worlds. She's Deaf yet very much a person who hears.

Off the Juice

I am so glad to be off Benadryl!

I was sleeping way too much, and I was miserable and cranky when I wasn't sleeping. Or maybe I was miserable and cranky because I was ready to tear my hand off to stop the itching and burning.

I'm doing much better now. The itching had increased and decreased since I stopped icing and began massaging, but it generally decreased. Today it's not bad at all. The allergy junk seems to be stuck in the base of my finger, because that's where it's stiff and itchy now.. but nothing like Friday and Saturday! I'm definitely counting my blessings. I got a blessing yesterday evening, which didn't end up really addressing the wasp allergy problem but did address others on my mind. Love that!

So here's something funny: I'm wearing makeup again. I gave up on it for several years, because it just seemed to accentuate my acne... But now that my face has mostly cleared up, I'm into it again. I'm obsessed with eye makeup. Laynie thinks I've gone mental.

And.... get ready for it... Wasps have built a nest above the front door to my new home!

Sweet Relief

My hand was not a bit better today, and I was really suffering. My middle finger, part of my ring finger, part of my palm, and part of the back of my hand were hot, stiff, swollen, and itchy. So itchy! After taking Benadryl for more than 24 hours without a change (although being knocked out for a few hours after each dosage was a nice break from the agony), I was frustrated.

Topical creams and sprays did absolutely nothing for me. I found that icing it took away the itching and burning, so I would keep an ice pack on for 20 minutes, then off for 20 minutes. That's how I got through yesterday and this morning. But the swelling was getting worse. I could hardly move my finger. I thought ice was supposed to bring down swelling! It didn't make sense. My finger was hot, with pink streaks up the sides and onto my hand. This morning the itching spread to the knuckle above the sting.

When I got up at 2:00 pm from a three-hour, Benadryl/gabapentin-induced nap, I decided to take a shower. The water beating down on my hand while I washed my hair felt like fiery needles. I didn't know how I could take this for another two days. I was thinking that I couldn't go to church if I had to ice it every 20 minutes. And Monday... I have to test a child for several hours Monday morning. How on earth would I get through that? I couldn't like this. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything.

I prayed.

I read my scriptures, and I had an idea. It wasn't anything that I read, per se, it was just a thought that came while reading.

Massage.

That sounded crazy to me, because I knew that scratching or messing with an itchy spot made it worse. Aren't we advised not to touch mosquito bites? Then I understood that the histamine and dead cell innards and fluid were just hanging out in the finger, that they needed help to leave it. I needed to massage my hand to get things moving.

So I tried it. The itching got much worse! It was just burning now. It got worse for an hour... but then it got a little better. The skin of my finger seemed looser. Now the itching was horrible on the back of my hand, and there was a line of itching up my arm. I went on faith and kept massaging my hand. For the next two hours, it was about like it had been for two days. Then, in the last hour, it dropped off considerably. After four hours of massaging while cleaning, unpacking, cooking, etc., I stopped. The itching was not gone, but it was a million times better.

Now it is five hours since I began massaging my hand. I am occasionally massaging and applying deep pressure, especially to the hot area between my knuckles, and it has not gotten worse. I'd say that the itching is about a 4 on a scale of 0-10. Wow.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father hears our prayers!